Dear Morons, or whoever on earth it is that actually uses these text messaging services that purport to tell you your future or about your love life, etc etc,

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE?? I assume you exist because they wouldn't market these things if no one used them. But seriously, what kind of moron do you have to be? I see these commercials all the time (which says a lot, because I don't watch that much tv, though I do watch a lot of the N, which seems to have a disproportionate number of them). I saw one today that told you to text some number and it would tell you if your boyfriend was cheating on you. WHAT?? How the hell is some text message psychic going to tell you that?? And what moron is wasting their money on this crap? These commercials bother me, but what bothers me more is that there are people, apparently you, who exist who actually purchase these services and thus cause these commercials to exist.

Clearly not understanding,
Me

Dear Sister Hazel,

First off, let me say that I'm LOVING the new cd, "Santa's Playlist."  That said, it's a little weird to be listening to Christmas music (plus one Hanukkah song) in September...  The leaves on the trees haven't even turned colors yet!  Anyone walking into my office and hearing it is really going to think I'm crazy... Usually it bothers the hell out of me when people do Christmasy things this early, pushing the holidays up before even Halloween but really before Thanksgiving even.  I made an exception for you, though, because I think you're so awesome and because I just don't have that kind of self control!  I figure I'll listen to it for the next week or so and then I'll PUT IT AWAY until the day after Thanksgiving when it is totally appropriate to be listening to that kind of music.  Great album though - it's the third amazing gift you've given to your fans in less than a year and we really appreciate it!!

With love,

me

Dear Apartment,

You know what would be really amazing?  I'll tell you.  It would be really super-duper amazing if you were self-cleaning.  That would pretty much make my life perfect.  Whatever else might be going wrong with the world, that would be enough to right it all. 

Ugh, you are such a mess right now.  And I have neither the energy nor the desire (nor the time for that matter) to clean you properly.  And it's not that you're dirty - I sweep you and clean the bathroom and I cleaned the kitchen last night after making a gigantic mess cooking.  It's the clutter of all the stuff that just isn't where it belongs or that doesn't have a place where it belongs (in other words, the mess is entirely my fault).   

Seriously, it's a good idea and you know it...

Think about it,

me

Dear Apartment,

Oh how happy I am to be back to living in you!!  Sleeping in my own bed last night was simply wonderful and knowing that I'll be doing the same tonight and tomorrow night and so on and so on in the future is a really really good thing.  Yes, you're a bit of a disastrous mess right now, but we'll fix that tonight.  I am just so happy to be reunited with you and all of the benefits that you provide (like a short, flexible commute as opposed to being tied to the Metra and my DVR and my entire wardrobe and most importantly accessibility to my friends and my social life but really the list is endless).  So YAY!!!

With love,

me

Dear Barbecue Tools,

Let me just tell you that I really do not appreciate that you all cascaded out of my parents' pantry and landed on my head this morning.  It really hurt and it left a nasty lump on my forehead that will probably also turn into a nasty bruise.  And you did not help me in my quest to get out of the house by 6 AM (ok, so I was only 3 minutes late on that, but still!).    That said, I do appreciate that the damage you left wasn't any worse than it was... I mean, some of you were sharp and could have cut me badly but you didn't.  No blood was drawn.   Additionally, at least the lump is covered by where I generally wear my hair so it's not visible... So thanks I guess. But mostly, I'm pretty unhappy that you fell on me at all.    Because my morning would have been a whole lot better without that experience.

No love,

me

 

Dear Mother Nature,

So I was reading the weather forecast in the newspaper this morning and saw that the high tomorrow is 90 degrees.  Interesting.  While I must say that I enjoy the return to warm weather (it was unpleasantly cool during parts of this weekend), it does create a bit of a problem for me.  You see, last Thursday night/Friday morning, when I was picking clothes to bring back out to the suburbs to wear to work this week, the forecast did NOT say 90 degrees.  So I brought a bunch of sweaters.  Would have been appropriate had the weather stayed in the 50s and 60s.  Not exactly going to be appropriate to wear tomorrow... Hopefully I can find something workable in my mother's closet.  But we shall see.  Otherwise, I will be one unhappy (and sweaty) person for the next few days... So you see, while I love the warm weather, prefer it to the cold, and would never actually complain about it, I do ask for a bit more warning next time. 

Thanks,

me

Dear Life,
In case you haven't noticed, we're not getting along so well right now. First off, this business with the dogsitting is just not making me happy. And tonight, what was up with the dogs literally pulling me over while we were out walking. Not cool. Neither are the grass stains on my jeans. This whole situation is just making me bitter. And I hate being bitter but the fact is, I want to be at home this weekend. I want to go out. And while I don't know that I necessarily would go out if I was in the city, at least it would be an option...
But frankly, that's not the only problem, is it? No, it really isn't. I think I'm suffering from a lack of anything to look forward to. Summer was great, there were always things to look forward to. Hell, almost every weekend was worth looking forward to. And then there was OSD/L4L in New Hampshire which was awesome and definitely worth looking forward to. Even last weekend had the Ingram Hill concert. But now, nothing on the horizon. Nothing at all. The calendar for the rest of September is pretty empty. Was supposed to go to wedding in Colorado in October, but now I can't go because of work (don't get me started on that, I'm so upset about this), so that's out. Don't know when I'm going to see Joe again, so that's sort of frustrating. The next thing I have to look forward to is a hopeful trip to New York to visit with Em and Silpa in the middle of November. That's 2 MONTHS from now. LONG TIME. Way too long to begin looking forward to it now. And life is pretty dull without little things to look forward to every now and then.
So life, what are we going to do to fix this? How can we start getting along again? I want to like you. I want to be happy. So let's work on this.
Thanks,
me

Dear Ingram Hill,

WOW last night's concert was amazing.  I'm almost speechless about it.  Just completely incredible.  One of my top concert experiences ever.  First off, Schubas is a great little venue. I love that "selling out" still meant that it was a really intimate show.   And were right up front, standing on a little bench which was awesome because I could see (plus we got to sit during the opener, which was a nice treat).  And oh my god did you rock.  The energy was just amazing.  And you really played my perfect setlist.  There was not a single song that I wanted to hear that you didn't play.  And that's tough because I wanted to hear a lot of songs.  What it meant is that I LOVED every song you played and it was just AWESOME.  I'm a little hoarse this morning from it and a little tired but that's ok.  It was so worth it.  You guys rock.  On the one hand, I think that more people should know about you because you're just amazing and I can't say enough wonderful things (or stop listening to your music).  But I also want to keep you all to myself so that you'll keep playing super little venues and not get too commercial.  Oh the conundrum.  Anyway, SUPER show - thanks for a FANTASTIC evening.  YAY!!! 

with love,

me

Dear Cassie,
Next year, when your parents tell you they're going to Europe for two weeks, do not, under ANY circumstances, just automatically offer up your dog/housesitting services. Because this SUCKS. And I'm only on my second night... out of a lot... I want to be in my apartment. I want to be in the city. I want to be having a real weekend. A weekend where going out on a Saturday night means something slightly more exciting than hitting the new Whole Foods with my grandmother... And next weekend I'll be wanting the same, only moreso. But no, I'll be stuck here. One week I could handle. Weeknights and the commuting I can handle. But two weekends - not good. And by next year, I won't remember how much this sucked. So self, this is your note! No more than one week next year with only one weekend - they're on their own to find someone else for the rest!
with love,
Cassie

Dear Sleep,

What's up?  Why have you been so evasive lately?  I don't understand!!  We used to be such good friends... I know I skimped some (ok, a lot) for a few weekends but I made up for that last Sunday/Monday so what's the problem?  Seriously, this cannot go on. First on Wednesday night when I took Nyquil to deal with my terrible cold and STILL couldn't fall asleep and then last night when I think I maybe got 2 hours of sleep total because, well, I don't know why but I just couldn't sleep... NOT OK!!!  I have to function during the day. I have this thing called a job.  Where I have to be productive and can't be making little mistakes all over the place because I'm totally sleep deprived.  Plus I have to drive out to the suburbs tonight during rush hour, which takes slightly more focus than hopping on the El to my apartment...  And once I get out there I have crazy dogs to deal with and some brownies to bake.  So please can we rekindle our friendship tonight??  And then not let it lapse again (at least not during the work week!!!)  I would really appreciate that!

Thanks,

me

Dear Self,
What didn't you understand about your plans to "catch up on sleep and have a relaxing weekend"? Because really, that has yet to happen. And boy am I going to pay. I'm getting sick as we sit here (though was probably inevitable anyway, since everyone I was out with at OSD last weekend is sick too, but the no sleep again and spending all weekend with a sick boyfriend this weekend couldn't have helped...). Thank goodness there's a third day to this weekend!!
Oh well, it was worth it. I may not have stopped moving all weekend but it was really fun and frankly, a weekend that provides wonderful memories is totally worth a little sleep deprivation and a cold. And since my next two weekends will probably be pretty lame while I'm out dogsitting in the suburbs, I really don't think I'll regret going out this one.
I guess what it comes down to is that while I may give myself a little grief, I don't really mean it. Even if I end up wicked sick all week, it was worth it. This weekend was awesome. :)
With love,
me