Dear Apartment,

You know what would be really amazing?  I'll tell you.  It would be really super-duper amazing if you were self-cleaning.  That would pretty much make my life perfect.  Whatever else might be going wrong with the world, that would be enough to right it all. 

Ugh, you are such a mess right now.  And I have neither the energy nor the desire (nor the time for that matter) to clean you properly.  And it's not that you're dirty - I sweep you and clean the bathroom and I cleaned the kitchen last night after making a gigantic mess cooking.  It's the clutter of all the stuff that just isn't where it belongs or that doesn't have a place where it belongs (in other words, the mess is entirely my fault).   

Seriously, it's a good idea and you know it...

Think about it,

me