Dear Sleep,

Yeah, it's me again.  So thanks for laying off the crazy vivid dreams, but what happened with us?  We used to be such good friends, yet now you seem to avoid me.  At 4 AM, you're the only one I want but you haven't been there for me.  I miss you.  I would really prefer you to the dark circles that have been gathering under my eyes in your absence.  Please come back to me...

missing you,
me

dear self,

next time you're upset or in a dark place, remember how much better you felt today after you wrote it all down.  free form, rambling thoughts posted on my secret blog that no one knows about (and can't be traced back to me).  although i'm not sure that anyone knows about this one anymore either, but that's neither here nor there. anyway, this free form writing thing is the same as  i used to do on a legal pad at schiff, when my mind would be clouded with all of my racing thoughts after those long international phone calls.  and today it was in that blog.  and i feel so much better.  it's like putting the words down takes them out of my brain.  please don't forget this again!

thanks,
me

Dear February 6,

I hardly know how to write this letter.  12 years ago, you constituted what I still believe to be one of the happiest days of my life.  You marked the beginning of a new era.  A wonderful era.  Of course there were hard times, and I made a lot of bad choices, but you were always there, reminding us of the special bond that we shared.  And now, for these past few years, I've had to live with the ramifications of my worst choice and spend you by myself.  No one there to recognize the significance of you, to celebrate another year of friendship passed.  I want nothing more than to have you back, than to celebrate friendship (or more) once again.  It's consuming me and it's terrifying me.  And I have no clue what to do. 

Just know that I still mark your significance.  I spend you, February 6, thankful for the 10 years that we did have and praying for more in the future.  Praying that I haven't blown it one too many times.  Praying that this time next year, we might be celebrating together. 

I miss you more than words can possibly express.  It strikes me that I miss you a whole lot more than I miss Joe.  Which is how I know that I made a terrible terrible mistake a few years ago.  I am so sorry for not being there for you when you needed me most.  I don't know how to make up for that.  But I understand now what you were going through and I know that I didn't step up in the way that you needed.  And I am so so sorry.  But I would do anything to have you back.  To have this day back.  To be us again. 

Love always,
me

Dear Sleep,

What happened??  We used to be such good friends, but lately, well, something has been amiss.  This whole week I feel as though you've turned against me.  The vivid dreams that woke me by inducing panic attacks were not cool.  And not sleeping at all last night was certainly not ok.  Please let me know what I can do to repair our friendship - I miss you!!

Thanks,
me

Dear Cassie,

You need to get yourself together.  You need to get over last month's heartbreaks.  You need to conquer your fears.   You need to get yourself back and get back to yourself.   And to do all of this, you need to get off the goddamn couch.  Let's try this again tomorrow.

Hoping for a better day,
me

Dear body,

I don't understand you.  Why is it that some days you can run 5 miles and feel great the whole time and then other days (like today) you can barely get me through 2 miles and the whole thing feels awful??  Very difficult to stick to my training calendar when you behave like this, so I'd like you to be more consistent please!

xoxo,
me